Dear Twins: I am forty-six years old, and I live alone.  My choice to live alone is not all of my own making but “It is what it is.”   The last twenty years of my life have been nothing like I imagined they would be, even given the fact that I’ve been fairly successful at the career I chose.   The woman I married and I have been divorced for the last ten years.  The divorce was what she wanted and I did not.  I have tried to make the best of this situation because of our son. On several occasions, I’ve even tried  to get back together with her.  Although, she wants no part of getting back together. She feels that her freedom will be compromised if we get back together.   I know she has had several male friends since we split, and I am willing to put that all behind us and go forward.  My son tells me how he would like to see us be a family again.  I can’t seem to get her to see what this would mean to me and our son.  I pay child support and give her money to do other things with and she still thinks it’s not enough.  When she’s short on the mortgage, she calls me.  When things need to be fixed in the house that I left her in, she calls and I help with the repairs.  I do these things to help because I don’t want every “Dick, Tom and Harry” in and out the door.   What do you all think is should do?     ANSWER: (LINDA)  I think you need to consider thinking a little more about yourself rather than sitting somewhere hoping to bring back yesterday.   Your situation is not so different than what a lot of families are going through.   There seems to be an unspoken rule among some women these days that to use someone is the only way to go.  This gives way to children growing up thinking this is the way women and men should treat one another.   I do feel, in your case, that the use and abuse tip your ex-wife is on will not change.  However I do think your should pay your child support and continue to spend time doing things for your son.  Because it seems she has no real time or regard for his feelings or yours. Now on the other hand, you need to get a life.   Sometimes we have to look long and hard at ourselves.   You said you are alone, well that’s not what God wants for us.   You are young enough to still have a full life don’t set yourself up to be a martyr.ANSWER: (BRINDA)  I don’t have a long list of things for you to do concerning your ex-wife.  Although I do have a list of things you can come and fix at my house, since you seem to be easily led down the garden-path to be at her beck and call.  It never fails that women like the one you described always seem to get the men like you.  You know what I mean, ones like you who are willing to do anything for them. Then when I run into you that’s when you have all these hang-ups about your past relationships and can’t seem to get along with me.  Because I’m too independent you find something wrong with me.   Oh, by the way, I take care of myself, pay my own bills and if I need something fixed I have sense enough to call a repairman. Like my sister said “Get a life” and when you are willing to do that give me a shout-out.Send questions to  askthetwins2@aol.com and/or write to Ask The Twins P O Box 9221 Jackson, MS 39286.

Answer: (Linda) Your situation is very commonplace, and you don’t have to feel guilty for having the feelings you have.  You will, however, need to get a little backbone and stand up to you family and insist that they help you out.  Don’t take no for an answer or let them brush you off.  Tell them that you are going to go out of town on a regular basis, and they will have to come and take turns caring for your mother.  Family can be hard to deal with, but you have no choice.  If you don’t get help I can foresee something bad happening. Before things get out of control, you need to take action now to prevent your having a meltdown.

Answer: (Brinda) It’s not unusual to have these feelings.  Actually, it’s very common, although most people won’t admit to having the same feelings that you have.  After caretaking for as long as you have, I’m surprised that it’s taken you this long to ask for help.  First, you have to talk to your brothers and sisters about giving you a break on a regular and rotating basis, so they can keep going on with their lives and taking care of their children.  Oftentimes family members forget just how difficult it is to care for someone around the clock even when it’s someone you love.  Additionally, you may need to contact a respite care service to give yourself some time away from the situation.  These types of services are very good, and they are not too expensive.  Maybe your family members can help pay for the respite care service if they don’t want to come and physically care for your mother.

Dear Twins:  I’ve been married for several years and have tried to live in peace with my wife.   This has not been an easy task given the fact my wife is very hard to get along with.  My faith in God is a source of strength during these years.  But that faith has been tested a lot in the last three years.   I guess this is what has made me seek your advice on what to do.  Should I just give up and get a divorce or stay and suffer.  She constantly refuses to have sex and/or spend time with me or do anything I like doing.  She never gives me any encouragement or uplifts me in anyway.   The other day I went to Bible class at my church, which I go to often to try to keep my sanity while dealing with this so-called marriage.  After Bible class was over the other day, some of the men stayed to talk further about things we discussed in class.  The topic was staying humble and how it keeps one in the right frame of mind.   In other words, no one should think of him or herself as being right all the time.  I was okay with the part about staying humble until one man said he thanked God for having a wife that kept him humble.  He went on to say he was alright with her downing him every time he felt good about himself and the many good deeds he does each day.  I thought he was out of his mind to think living like this was a good thing.  Then came the second blow when the other men in the group agreed with him and said they thought this was okay!   Twins help me out here.  What do you all think I should do? Should I get a divorce or become a total “sap” like the other men in my Bible class?

Answer: (Linda) I think you just answered your own question.  People live under all sorts of conditions, as you well know.  Mississippi has one of the most serious problems when it comes to domestic violence.  People live long miserable lives without being able to standup for or think for themselves. I am disappointed that the men in your Bible class could be so easily led in the wrong direction with wives that treat them that way and think that this was alright. How can a marriage last with women that demean their husbands? Yet, they walk around telling others how happy they are.  Let me give you an example of what one man told me. He stated that he never felt loved unless the women in his life made him miserable by raising hell and keeping there households upset.  He even went so far as to say when he was involved with women that didn’t do these things he thought something was wrong with them.  I will not tell you to get a divorce, but I will say that you need to know what you want in your marriage. You should know if you want to live like a man or live miserably.

Answer: (Brinda) This is where I get a little miffed with how some people interpret things.  I personally couldn’t stand to be with someone who put me down all of the time and called it keeping me humble.  Apparently your wife has some serious issues of her own if she feels that treating you like this is appropriate.  Now about your wife and her issues, I think you are a lot like the man in the class.  If you want to go on living with a person that treats you like dirt then you will stay with her. But if you have any balls at all, you wouldn’t put up with her mess.  You need to be a man and develop a backbone.  Where in your dysfunctional family did you learn that it is okay for a wife to treat you the way you say your wife does?  You have to take a closer look at yourself and ask yourself what are you doing in a marriage where you get this kind of treatment.

Send Questions to Askthetwins@aol.com and/or Write to Ask The Twins  P O B 9921 Jackson, MS 39238.

Answer: (Brinda)  Well dear I have one word for you (MARRIED)!!  Don’t you think this guy’s a little bit off the mark? We women like to put our heads in the sand when we meet a guy we really like, and then we start to make all sorts of excuses for weird behavior.  When things just don’t add up, we usually know the answer but don’t want to accept what our instincts are telling us.  The holidays are always our true test.  If you can’t make plans in advance, and/or he can’t be with you on the actual holiday, then you know he has other obligations. This means he has to spend time with his family, wife, and/or significant other, so that means you my dear are left out in the cold by yourself.  If I were you I’d make other plans now.

Answer: (Linda) If you can’t contact him, then go ahead and make other plans ASAP.  This is the oldest game in town. You’ve played before, and so have I.  Get a grip.  Make up your mind…do I want to be involved with a married man or not… it’s just that simple.  We all have to pay to play and that thing about being stalked is for the birds.  If he was so afraid of being stalked he would be playing the game.  The being stalked line sounds like he may be writing a novel of fiction, and you’re just a test character in his book.

Send questions to askthetwins2@aol.com and/or write to Ask The Twins POB 9221 Jackson, MS 39286.

Dear Twins: My boyfriend of about two years has recently purchased me a new Smartphone for my birthday and it has lots of bells and whistles.  I really thought it was the best thing he could have given me until I found out that the phone has a tracking device on it. This device is just like a GPS, so he knows my every move.  I don’t want him to know everywhere I go because I do have another older man that I see on a regular basis. I really don’t feel good about this phone being able to tell my boyfriend my every move. We live together, and it’s getting to be harder and harder to explain why I was at a certain place. My boyfriend says he just wants to know that I’m safe. He says if I needed him, he’d be able to find me in case of an emergency. But before my tech friends told me about the GPS device being on my new phone, I was not told by my boyfriend that it had that kind of capability. My boyfriend says he just forgot to tell me about it, but as I think back, my boyfriend has become much more inquisitive about where I go and who I see since I got the phone. I wonder if he knows about the other man I see. I know if my boyfriend finds out an about the other man there’s going to be hell to pay and vice versa. You see both of these men supply me with lots of money for my living expenses, and I can’t risk either of them finding out about the other.  The older man tells me all the time that he would kill me if he thought I was seeing someone else. Recently, he has gotten physical with me after I missed one of our standing dates. He said that he smelled a man’s cologne on my skin, and he started slapping me around.  What should I do?  I’m becoming afraid of what this man might do to me, and I can’t continue to hide the bruises with makeup.  Answer: (Linda)  Taking money from men always has a price, and you know what they are paying for. My question is do you want to keep taking their money or do you want to live?  It’s really a simple choice.  Men with bad tempers don’t all of a sudden wake up one day and that bad temper is gone…..Men who hit women as really sick individuals and rarely do they stop. However unjustified domestic violence is, you have to ask yourself is it a good thing to take these men’s money and play both of them. I don’t know how old you are, but I guess you’re old enough to understand that nobody likes being made a fool of and sometimes when they find out they have been used, they just snap and beat you up and/or they kill you.  Which way do you want to go out?Answer: (Brinda) Well Missy, it seems like you got a real problem, and I think you’re playing a dangerous game.  You don’t play with grown men the way you are because it’s easy to come up dead these days.  Playing games like you describe never leads to the good.  Someone always gets upset and goes off or snaps and that’s when it’s time to decide what’s in it for you. You have to ask yourself: 1) do I want to die? 2) do I like getting my head bashed in?  and 3) am I really up to being somebody’s punching bag?  It’s up to you. You got to decide if  you want to ‘Pay the Cost to Be the Boss.’ If so keep doing what you’re doing and if not ‘Run Now, Run Fast!’Send questions to kthetwins2@aol.com and or write to Ask The Twins POB 9221 Jackson, MS 39286.

Answer (Brinda): Well, I’m sure there is one guy you know whom you can call and tell him what the situation is. He will probably be glad to accompany you to these functions during the holidays.  Look back into your little black book and see who is available that may be in the same boat you’re in.  Several of my true friends are men and a few of them have taken me to their office functions because they want-ed someone that knows how to act, that has good manners and that knows what to wear.  Just take a look around, and I’m sure someone will come to mind.  And as for the married man thing, we all have been there and done that; looking for love makes women act stupid sometimes. You know the old saying, everybody is somebody’s fool sometime.

Dear Twins: I know it’s only October but I am a planner when it comes to just about everything.  Next month starts the holiday season, which means invitations to parties.  My problem is I don’t have a date to take to any of the many functions I will be invited to.  I am a member a large law firm in Dallas, Texas and all of my fellow attorneys expect me to attend with a date in tow.  This job is new, and I feel it is important that I make a good impression.  Showing up “Stag” is just not an option because it will brand me with the people in the office.  Since moving to Texas, I haven’t had time to mix and mingle with the locals or take anyone up on going out.  I placed a lot of time and energy on doing a good job and making sure the people at my new job feel I am worthy and tough enough to handle all of my many new responsibilities. I am the only African American on the floor I work on and most of the other black men in my building I don’t get a chance to see much.  The other thing I didn’t mention was that the last relationship I had was with a married man that lasted for the last five years and that ended just before I moved to Texas.  Having been involved with him for so long I lost touch with a number of single men in the town where I lived.   Twins what can I do?  I don’t have much time.

Answer: (Linda) The first thing I will say is that you should not have wasted all that time with a man that was married.  We as women sometimes get “caught up” when we that occurs.  I mean we think we have to stop everything else just because we are in a relationship with a married man.  I don’t presume to be all self-righteous because I’ve done the same thing, but I did wake up.  Just because he’s married doesn’t mean you are.  This is for all who are in or have been in this married man situation.  Ladies you know what I mean.  (1) You don’t date anyone else; (2) you stay home on holidays and wait for that all-important phone call; and (3) you cut yourself off from the rest of the world.  My advice to you is toget your head out of the sand.  The holidays are not here yet, and you need to use your five senses.  I am sure there is someone you have over looked who is just waiting for a phone call.  We as women sometimes overlook what’s right under our noses.

Answer: (Brinda) Well, I’m sure there is one guy you know whom you can call and tell him what the situation is. He will probably be glad to accompany you to these functions during the holidays.  Look back into your little black book and see who is available that may be in the same boat you’re in.  Several of my true friends are men and a few of them have taken me to their office functions because they want-ed someone that knows how to act, that has good manners and that knows what to wear.  Just take a look around, and I’m sure someone will come to mind.  And as for the married man thing, we all have been there and done that; looking for love makes women act stupid sometimes. You know the old saying, everybody is somebody’s fool sometime.

Send questions to thetwins2@aol.com and or write to P O Box 9221 Jackson, Ms 39286.